Four Tips for Discussing Money with your Partner
“Honey, let’s talk about the finances...”
Those words could quite possibly be the most dreaded thing to hear in a relationship.
Sex—we can talk about.
Dreams—we can envision together.
Money—well, let’s not go there just yet.
Exactly what makes broaching the conversation of money so hard? It’s like the elephant in the room that both people are choosing to ignore. Although I don’t have the reason for this aversion, allow me to speculate for a few moments.
Perhaps it’s shame from past or present financial mistakes. Maybe it’s the fear of being exposed. Or could it be the unwritten rule to keep money matters private that’s knitted into the fabric of most cultures?
Whatever the reason, this behavior of avoidance is killing more relationships than it’s helping. So it’s no surprise that money issues are cited as one of the leading causes of divorce.
Despite how unattractive talking about money may be, it’s one of the most important conversations that you’ll have in your relationship.
Here’s how to start the conversation...
Money isn’t a Netflix and chill kind of vibe. Instead, it’s more along the lines of, “Where do you see this relationship going?” (Yep, that kind of conversation.) That’s to say, it’s a serious conversation that shouldn’t be had haphazardly. To help, here are four steps to having a conversation about money in your relationship.
Agree to be Honest
When it comes to talking about money, or anything for that matter, honesty is the best policy. If you’re going to be vulnerable enough to talk about finances, then it needs to be an honest conversation. Progress doesn’t happen without honesty.
This means being honest about your past money mistakes, how you’re handling money now, and even specific questions like credit score and income. With honesty comes vulnerability, so be mindful of your reactions and refrain from being judgmental. You want to create a safe environment for sharing.
Share your Childhood Experiences with Money
The way that we deal with money as adults is a direct reflection of what we learned consciously or subconsciously as a child.
How did your parent(s) handle money? Did you grow up lacking financially? Who handled the bills?
The answer to these questions all shape how you view and handle money. Talking about it gives perspective on the genesis of your partner’s spending habits and behaviors.Your job isn’t to be a therapist here. Instead it’s to gain understanding of the other person’s relationship with money.
These topics are tough. Be compassionate, yet fearless in having them.
Share the Facts
This is where things may get a bit awkward. Although, sharing your financial “numbers” should be much less daunting than revealing the number of partners you’ve had in the past. If you plan on managing finances together, you’ll need to be open about your income, credit, debt, and other financial responsibilities.
Here are some questions to answer:
What is your monthly income?
What do you have saved for retirement?
Do you have any investments?
What is your credit score?
How much debt do you have?
How do you feel about loaning money to family?
What financial obligations do you have (ex. Child support, alimony, assisting family, etc.)
This is just a starting point. As you talk openly, you’ll find more questions to ask and things to share. The point here is to understand where you both stand collectively with regards to your financial situation. It’s ideal to have this discussion before marriage or shortly after the relationship becomes serious.
Plan for the Future
Now that all the cards are on the table, you can move forward with creating a financial plan. You’d be surprised to know that this is less about money and more about your dreams and visions.
Here’s the thing , money is a tool to fuel your dreams. In order to know where to direct your funds, you must know where they are going. Take a moment to discuss what your hopes are for the future.
Do you want to retire early? Would you like to travel? Do you want to start a business? Are kids in your future?
All of these life goals and dreams come with a cost, so decide what they are and then write down a plan to achieve them. This could include creating a family budget for day to day money management. It could also mean creating a sinking fund to save money each month to put toward travel. Or, it can be putting extra funds toward paying off debt.
Whatever it is, it should be something that you both agree on and will work toward together.
Change the narrative of money in relationships. Money shouldn’t be a taboo topic that we all try to avoid like the plague or COVID-19. If the longevity of your relationship is important to you, then making money conversations a priority. Couples who learn to tackle money together are couples that will likely stay together.
Start the conversation and create the foundation for a flourishing financial relationship.
Contributor: Fo Alexander
Fo Alexander is a Certified Financial Education Instructor (CFEI) with a passion for helping women dump debt & build bank® so that they can create the life that they want. She is the founder of GirlTalkwithFo.com & MamaandMoney.com and host of the Girl Talk with Fo podcast.
