Lessons from year two of Marriage
As the saying goes, “there are no losses, only lessons” and our second year of marriage has taught me a few. While we grow closer every year as a couple, we also grow separately as individuals, and that growth has taught me somethings, such as: find out how to fight fair, trust is worth more than loyalty, your time together before marriages counts and it’s easy to disagree about the methods, so long as the goal is the same.
Learning to fight fair is critical to a marriage. We’ve had to learn to argue about the topic at hand and not climb the vine. It’s easy to carry history into an argument, and while some arguments may call for the need to reference that past, not all require a trip down memory lane. No matter how you go about citing the past, the outcome will always be the same, you’ll find yourselves a far cry from the main issue. We don’t tackle issues the same way, so sometimes justifying our reasons for a course of action and having it attacked can feel personal. We’ve had to learn how to communicate that my not liking the idea doesn’t mean I don’t like you. We became aware of statements like “that’s stupid” and or “that’s ridiculous”. Those statements don’t seem like much on the surface, but to the person hearing them it can feel demeaning and hurtful. Instead, we’ve learned to ask questions such as, “why do you see it that way” or ask “help me understand”.
Our relationship has taught me the value of trust more than any relationship I’d ever been in. I couldn’t pinpoint for you what set the standard or how it was set, but I have countless stories about how it came to be reinforced. Jas has never been the type to blow up my phone over where I’m at or what I’m doing, that’s not to say she is concerned because when she is she reaches out. However, she trusts my choices and who I’m out with and vice versa. We learned to trust and lean into each other’s strengths, yet support and nurture each other’s weaknesses. I learned young people can be loyal to you, yet lie to you, tell you what you want to hear for fear their secrets will hurt you, but really it will only reveal an ugly truth of theirs. Our loyalty is not “yes-manish”. It is rooted in telling each other hard truths, sharing passwords and lovingly fighting forward.
When you’re newlyweds (married for less than 5 years) couples married longer than you like to downplay the length of your marriage and minimize your understanding of each other within the institution. My wife and I had been together for more than 5 years before marrying and those years count. In that time of courting and dating we learned each other’s joys, scars, passions and triggers. Those years before we married built the foundation for our launch.
“In that time of courting and dating we learned each other’s joys, scars, passions and triggers.”
My wife is my favorite person. I say that phrase with enormity. She is by far my favorite person to talk to, hang out with and/or do nothing with. Our love story can easily be seen as a “different side of the tracks” story, yet it’s filled with similarities commonly grounded in the Black American experience. We thrive because our goals are the same. We discuss all topics involving our future and always come to an agreement on what the goal is, from that point there is constant discussion and disagreement as we push forward, but that pushing forward is always made easy in knowing we want the same goal. My suggestion to others is that those goals be concrete, not vague ideas of money and success. As a team, you must be specific on what you want and be flexible on how you get there (If you’re 100 on the same plan for getting there, all the better).
